FEBRUARY 27 - MARCH 12

FEB 27 Not a good day. Been worried the past couple of days about insurance coverage. Many phone calls and e-mails. Between my policy with the University and Freida's coverage, we should be OK, but some out-of-pocket expense will certainly occur. The so-called "cancer policy" we have (since 1983) appears to be worthless!! Had an outburst. Was mad for the first time about all of this. Central question: with all of my current physical problems, WHY OH WHY submit to eight weeks of radiation for something that probably won't kill me before something else does. DAMN IT! Maybe I'll skip tomorrow's cat-scan and go out into the woods and sit under a tree and die like the Indians used to do! Somewhat suicidal! Freida has never understood the constant pain and discomfort I exist with!! Her health problems are so minimal, so she just doesn't get it!

FEB 28 Spent two hours + at St. Luke's this afternoon. Radiation therapist constructed my leg restraints and did some measurements, marking certain locations on my lower body with non-permanent ink (the permanent ink comes later). Then off for my cat scan. Began with an IV of saline fluid for about 20 minutes, then into the machine with IV still attached and using my new leg restraints. More measurements and markings, injection of dye into the IV bag and then the scan itself. All uneventful until it was over. Armpits began to itch like crazy, then my upper chest. Had an allergic reaction to the dye. Upper chest was red and had a dozen or so hives. IV remained in for another 15 minutes. Nurse directed me to stop at a pharmacy and buy Benadryl, which I did. Got home and read the Benadryl instructions, which included a warning not to be taken by anyone with emphysema, which I have. So I didn't take any! Redness and
hives are nearly gone anyway. Have two more planning sessions before the actual radiation treatment begins. The next one should prove interesting: they will pump dye up my urethra into my bladder and clamp my penis so it doesn't leak out!! Can't wait for that one!!!

Mar 7 Another hour at St. Luke's this morning. Many x-rays, measurements and body markings. Got three permanent ink markings. They put a dab of ink at the correct spot, then push it into the skin with a needle, similar to a tattoo. The pumping dye into my urethra was not as traumatic as I expected. Kind of felt like "peeing backwards." Things are moving quickly. Will have a dry-run (simulation) treatment on this coming Friday (3/9), with actual radiation beginning on Monday. Still haven't heard from Johns Hopkins regarding the "expert" opinion on my biopsy slides. E-mailed Dr. Cook last night. Here is a copy of that e-mail:
Hi Dr. Larry. Going to pump dye up my urethra tomorrow morning (can't wait). Actual radiation should begin in less than two weeks. Any word from Johns Hopkins? I must have their take on my biopsy slides pronto! From every thing I've seen and read, I'M ADAMANT THAT IF HOPKINS REPORTS A GLEASON SCORE OF LESS THAN 7, I WILL WATCH AND WAIT. Being my stubborn self, I just may do that regardless!* Best wishes, Bob.
*Famous last words!

Mar 10 Simulation went well yesterday. Radiation begins Monday at 2PM. The 2PM time is great for me. I'11 be able to get zapped, get my steam at the Y or spa, and be home in time enough to watch the last half hour of stock market quotes. The second "expert" pathology report came yesterday too. Good and bad news. Bad: The all-important Gleason score didn't change enough to allow me any other option but to proceed as per schedule. The old score was 3+4=7 (aggressive), while the new score is 3+3=6 (moderately aggressive). That's the good news for what it's worth. I was hoping that the first path report may have been an error and that my Gleason score was actually in the low range (1, 2 or 3). I would have definitely canceled the radiation had it been so. Alas, no such luck! The problem with prostate cancer is that "to treat" or "not to treat" is HIGHLY controversial. There are very many people, including M.D.'s, who denounce urologists and oncologists as money-hungry charlatans who overly treat to line their pockets. There are so many "alternative treatments" (taking dozens of different herbs, redoing one's diet, snake-oil in general) out there that one's mind in literally numbed. Well, we've made our decision and will hope that the much dreaded side-effects are minimal. Still up-beat, though this past week was a bit depressing. Stock market hasn't helped much either!! Between Freida's major health plan increase (nearly $200 more per month) and my pension loss (about $100), we'll have $300 or so to work with monthly. Not a major blow, but $300 we'll not be able to squirrel away.

Mar 11 Radiation begins tomorrow at 2PM. I am comfortable with that. Not at all anxious or apprehensive. Mood is good; still upbeat. Just another night for me! Certainly worried about the long-term, but not enough to let me lose sleep. I know I wouldn't be saying that if I were facing surgery tomorrow. Geez, I'm such a wimp! On a whimsical note, told Freida this morning that she's seen the last of "regular" cum. From this point on, it will be green and glow in the dark! LOL.

Mar 12 This is fast becoming a comic opera. It's two and a half hours before my first scheduled dose of radiation and, lo and behold, the telephone rings. It is St. Luke's with the announcement that the radiation machine is broken and needs a part, so don't come in today! Should be up and running tomorrow, though. Talk about anxiety! I was OK till that call, now I have all kinds of crazy, but I'm sure misplaced thoughts running through my head! Wonder if I broke the machine on Friday or, worse yet, wonder if the machine was already broken when we did the simulation!!! Add to this the fact that Dr. Timmerman, the oncologist, began a one-week vacation today. A substitute from another hospital is in temporary residence. Sure hope his/her name isn't KELLY!! Well, Freida will have plenty of ammunition to sue them if they fry the wrong organ! Wow, my updates are better than some of the jokes and cartoons I send out! LOL.